


see what i've become

by empressfall



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bucky and Steve were best friends but became enemies, Crime lord shit, Dark!Bucky, Dark!Steve, F/M, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Natasha Romanov, Hurt Steve Rogers, Love Triangles, Minor Violence, Mob AU, Natasha is caught in the middle of their shit, Rivalry, Some characters are slightly OOC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:21:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22207069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empressfall/pseuds/empressfall
Summary: natasha knows that her life isn’t simple, but she never expects it to become as dangerous as it does when she gets caught between two mob boss rivals, formerly childhood best friends, who both desire her and will stop at nothing to have herbuckynat/stevenat
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 11
Kudos: 36





	see what i've become

**Author's Note:**

> hey! it's been a minute! well, like a month and half, but still. anyways, this is a three-parter and is basically a mob au with a love triangle. i've been wanting to write buckynat for a while, but i really wanted to throw in this stevenat twist so here we are! i hope you enjoy, but since this is a three-parter, please keep in mind that not everything is developed at once and that there'll be some vagueness throughout this chapter. think of this chapter as more of an introduction.
> 
> still, hope you enjoy!

Natasha Romanoff has always loved the rain. She loves the sound of it, the smell of it, everything about it. She’s hated it before, in the past, because of what it does to her hair. The humidity, and all, but she’s grown to love it. It’s blurry, but she supposes that represents her well during the cool March afternoon.

“Watching the precipitation again?”

The question snaps her out of her thoughts and she turns to face him. She nods. “I love the rain.”

“So I’ve noticed,” he drawls with a hint of amusement. He says nothing further, leaving them in a minute of silence.

Natasha licks her lips. “Are you staying today?” She already knows the answer, but she knows that she has to ask.

He smirks. “Why do you ask?” 

She knows that he doesn’t care for any reason, but that’s the thing about him. He loves playing games. “I’m curious.” She turns to look back out the window, watching the rainfall.

Curiosity has always been a trait of hers and it has, in her opinion, usually served her well. However, given how crazy her life has been during the past nine months, she’s not entirely sure if she still believes that.

She is cautious around him, as of late, because she knows there is no other option. She is living with a dangerous man. She’s involved with someone who seeks to invoke fear around those he deems to be inferior to him.

Natasha doesn’t really know why she allowed herself to get caught in this. She’s well aware of the fact that she’s not weak. She knows that she doesn’t succumb easily to the charms of men, if at all. She is not mistaken in her belief that she doesn’t need a man by her side.

But she has still managed to get caught in the situation that she’s in, despite her opinions. 

He chuckles. “Little bird, ever so curious. _Ever_ so wondrous.” 

She doesn’t know how she feels about the nickname he’s bestowed on her. At times, it’s endearing, but other times, it almost sounds mocking.

“Can you blame me?” She tries her best to sound indifferent as she turns to flash a smile at him.

He comes closer to her and rests his hands at her sides. “You don’t need to worry. It’s just another meeting.”

“I think you say that almost every day,” Natasha says, cocking her head. “Sounds boring.”

“It is,” he responds with a shrug, “but that’s business.”

“You know, I’d still very much like to see around this business you have,” she says, “I barely know a thing about it, aside from the parties.”

The parties are interesting, to say the least. There’s usually more booze than people and the people are pretty damn terrifying. The music that plays is usually something along the lines of jazz and the outfits worn by the partygoers cost more than normal people’s monthly rent, she supposes. 

Natasha has attended a few of them with him. He always gives her the most beautiful dresses to wear and the most stunning jewelry to match. She has inquired to him before, mostly as a joke, if he sees her as eye candy among the people attending. He had only smiled in return.

The parties aren’t what she had expected them to be. They’re tense and she’s never been sure if all the people attending even like each other. They’re cold to each other and smile in a way that seems malicious to her.

She knows that she honestly probably shouldn’t have been so surprised, though. What else should she have thought a mob party to be like?

He’s always seemed to surprise her at those parties. She doesn’t know why. She knows who he is. He’s the leader, the ringleader of them all. He has the most authority as the boss.

He deserves it, from what she can tell. He’s filled with power and incredibly brilliant. He’s a true leader. But Natasha prays that he makes a mistake. She wants him to miss a step, so that things are easier for her. She knows that no one can be perfect, but he’s damn good at acting as if he is.

“It’s nothing that could keep your interest,” he says, dismissively. “Don’t fret about it.”

Before she can respond, he captures her lips in a kiss and this is when Natasha knows that she’s the fool. She doesn’t push him away. She doesn’t try to ask him again. She lets him do this to her. She allows him to distract her.

“The organization is exactly what I told you it is,” he whispers in between kisses, “and the line of work is as I’ve said. This meeting is nothing different.”

He touches her and that seems to lead her body into betraying her thoughts. She doesn’t know why this happens, but this is her reality for nine months.

This isn’t where she should be. She knows this is not where she belongs. Graduating at the top of her class during her undergraduate studies at Stanford and her graduate studies at Harvard, with plans to become a lawyer, she should be studying for the bar exam, not fraternizing with a crime lord.

But Natasha knows a part of her has always been foolish and impulsive. She knows she shouldn’t want him. He is everything that she detests. He is selfish, cruel, cold, dishonest, unethical, deceptive, and an enigma that she cannot properly describe.

She knows that and she keeps it in mind as she goes along with the plan she has in mind. It’s difficult, though, to deal with him, because she knows how he appears to be perfect.

He is impossibly clever. He is humorous in his own way. He is disgustingly handsome and she wants to hate him. She wishes she could feel that way, but whenever she feels his touch, it makes her forgetful. His hands at her waist and his tongue on her breasts make the feelings of distrust and anger that she’s been dealing with disappear.

“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs, his breath hot on her skin.

Natasha shudders as he fondles her. “James,” she breathes out. She knows she shouldn’t want him, but she does.

* * *

James calls her, hours later, and tells her that he will be gone for a few days. Duty calls.

A part of her is disappointed that she will be alone in the mansion. Well, not completely alone. The staff is still around, but they don’t give her a real sense of companionship the way he does.

Another part of her is relieved, though. She believes that having some time alone to herself would do her some good. It would allow her to regroup her thoughts in peace.

The sky is pitch black as she wanders around James’s beautiful home. The mansion is worth millions and is a restored home from the Gilded Age. It’s adorned with gorgeous details and it baffles Natasha as to how a home could be so simple, yet so lavish at the same time.

It unsettles her, however, to see how clean the interior is. She knows that it shouldn’t be. Given what she knows about James, it’s strange to see how lovely the mansion is. 

James is tainted and dark. The home is not. James is unclean and scarred. The home is not.

It makes her feel sick, but she knows that she purposely put herself in this situation with an end goal in mind. Natasha is not a quitter, so she will _not_ stop.

She ambles slowly through the hallways as she struggles with her inner thoughts.

She knows who James is and she’s well aware of the fact that she should hate him. But, despite her best judgment, she thinks that she truly loves him. She doesn’t know for sure and it eats at her.

This had never been the plan. However, she supposes her plan had been idiotic to begin with. How could she believe that she could change him? Natasha’s not entirely stupid. She knows of all those people who had supposedly gone “missing” and the questionable burglaries and series of arsons that have been happening. She knows what rumors fly around about James.

She refuses to let it deter her, no matter what the voice inside of her head says. She has come too far and she can’t allow herself to fail. Even if she does… _love_ him, she can’t let it control her.

It’s all very strange, to say the least. She can’t deny that James is good to her. He can act soft and kind towards her when she knows damn well that it isn’t difficult for him to be cruel. He has never hurt her. He has never shown any intention to harm her. It seems perfect on paper.

But she knows the truth. He can try to manipulate her, lie to her, seduce her… he can try any tactic to distract her, but it doesn’t change the fact that he can’t truly hide the truth.

Natasha knows what James did. She knows he killed her stepbrother, Clint.

* * *

Steve Rogers doesn’t think he could be any more bored than he feels. He takes the occasional sip of his martini as he studies the environment around him. These types of business dinners are excruciatingly boring and time-consuming. He supposes the best thing he can do while sitting here is to observe his surroundings.

“You could at least look more entertained,” Tony Stark mutters, joining him at the end of the table.

“There’s no point,” Steve responds, nonchalantly, “It’s obvious they know nothing.”

Tony pauses. “I don’t see why that pisses you off. We should have expected that. He’s made it difficult for us in the past and he’ll only continue to do so.”

Steve tenses. “He is the enemy now. He has killed people that I—”

“You’ve done the exact same thing,” Tony cuts him off. “I’m not trying to defend him, but you did just as bad as he did.”

“I did what I had to do.”

Tony chuckles. “You murdered his family. You’ve killed his men. He’s done the same to you. It’s just a game and you can’t be mad that he’s making it hard for you to challenge him.”

It’s not a matter to laugh about, but Tony always seems to find a way to bring humor into everything.

“It’s a game that he started,” Steve says, jaw clenching, “He didn’t need to start it.”

“He’s not the person you know any more, Steve,” Tony says, “Bucky Barnes is _not_ your childhood best friend anymore.”

Steve purses his lips tightly. “That’s not his name anymore.”

“Oh, right,” Tony says, “The Winter Soldier. Interesting nickname.”

“I go by ‘The Captain’,” Steve retorts, “It is what it is.”

Bucky is nothing more than a distant memory for Steve. It’s been years since he had been able to call him a friend.

“Why does he look so pissed off?” Carol Danvers asks, sliding into the seat on the other side of Steve. She takes a quick sip of her cocktail, an eyebrow raised. 

“ _Oh_ , Carol, you know he’s not a fan of the winter season,” Tony snorts in amusement.

Steve glares at him.

Carol only smiles. “No intel?”

“ _Obviously_ ,” Steve snaps at her. “This is all just a waste of time.” He takes a long sip of his drink and turns to Tony. “Throw a party at the end of the week. There needs to be more action.”

Tony raises a brow. “That’s not my area of expertise. That’s all Pepper’s.”

At the same time, Carol asks, “What’s the occasion?”

Steve leans back in his seat. “If he wants to play dirty, I’ll play dirtier.” His jaw clenches even more if it’s possible. “He murdered Sharon _and_ Peggy. I’ll have his head.”

Tony crosses his arms. “It’s been six years, Rogers. How long is it going to take for you to find the solution that works?”

Steve narrows his eyes at him. “Do you have a better idea?”

Tony takes a sip of his drink. “All I’m saying is that I wonder how well your judgment is. You’re the leader of us all, yet, when it comes to him, it seems like you can’t think clearly. And that’s strange enough because the only reason we’re here today is because of—”

Steve opens his mouth to interject.

“What he means is that Bucky isn’t the person that you once knew and you’re certainly not the person that he once knew,” Carol interrupts. “He’s just saying it as a reminder.”

“It’s his fault,” Steve insists. “He became a monster and created all of this chaos. I was only swooped into it.”

“You’re not as innocent as you think you are,” Tony says with a shrug. “I don’t know why you just won’t accept it. You’re just as bad as he is.” He smirks and gives Carol a knowing look.

Steve frowns. “Whose side are you on, Stark?” He doesn’t confirm nor deny Tony’s statement and shoves that thought to the back of his head.

Tony holds his hands up, defensively. “That’s not a question you should be asking, because you already know the answer.” He cocks his head. “I think you need to relax.”

Steve’s fingers curl into fists. “It’s not that simple.”

“You’ll find him,” Carol assures him. Her eyes darken. “And you’ll _kill_ him. I know you will.”

* * *

Days pass and Natasha is watching the sun slowly setting when James returns. She’s enjoying the peace and quiet, twirling locks of her curly red hair with her fingers, only stopping when the door behind her opens.

She takes a deep breath as she hears his footsteps nearing her, but she doesn’t bother to turn around.

He stands behind her, hands on her forearms. “ _Natasha_.” He plants a kiss on her shoulder. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” she murmurs. “How was work?” She turns around to face him and her eyes widen when they zero in on the black eye and large cut on his cheek.

“Natasha—”

“What happened?” Natasha reaches out to touch his face, brows furrowing in concern. “Does it hurt?”

“You don’t need to worry about it,” James says, holding her hands on his face. “They got the worst of it.”

Natasha purses her lips. He’s always like this. He purposely dances around her questions and gives her simple answers that don’t tell her anything at all. “Will they try again?”

She’s been able to figure out ways to get him to elaborate to some extent and she hopes to get more details as to what he’s secretly been dealing with.

“Of course they will,” he scoffs, backing away from her. “They won’t stop.” It’s like a flip of a switch. He can be so soft one second and so cold the next.

“Who are they?”

“Why so many questions?” James begins to pace around the room. “It’s nothing that you need to be concerned about. I made a promise to you that I would protect you from any threat that comes my way. You have me.”

The whole dynamic is strange, despite the truth that he speaks. It’s been that way since the very beginning, nine months ago when they met and hasn’t seemed to change.

Her stepbrother, Clint, had only been dead for two months when she had started to follow the steps of her plan. She had known that Clint was involved in shady business and that he had tried his best to make sure she knew nothing of it. But Natasha credits herself for being very observant and she had been able to pinpoint the source of Clint’s problems during the last few months of his life.

The man in front of her is nothing short of dangerous. A crime lord, a mob boss, a gang leader, she doesn’t really know what exactly to call him. All she knows is that Clint should never have gotten involved with him. 

The business that James takes part in is a dangerous line of work with enemies scattered around and the law being broken. At least, that’s what Natasha thinks. A lot of her thoughts are speculation because no matter how clever she is, James is _impossibly_ smarter. 

Clint had acted pretty different in a suspicious manner during the last few months before his murder and she had spent two months trying to figure out why he had died. She had put together a plan of some sort to avenge his murder.

Life had other plans for her, though. Perhaps it has made it easier for her. She doesn’t really know. She just doesn’t think that it should have been as easy as it had been to become involved with James.

It’s almost laughable how they came together. She had been up in a Long Island bar, drinking vodka like a proud Russian as she tried to free herself from her tangling thoughts for just one night. It’s such a cliche how that’s where she met him. He had been with his… friends or whatever those men are to him when they made accidental eye contact.

Natasha had immediately looked away because she had recognized him. She presumes that he had mistaken that as an act from shyness and that had drawn her to him. He had approached her and offered to buy her a drink. 

She still remembers how crucial that moment was. She knew that she had to be careful at that moment because getting involved with him wouldn’t be easy if she turned him down. She had made a choice and that is the choice that she’s been stuck with. She had accepted his offer and flirted with him, in hopes to establish a potential connection.

She hadn’t expected it to become a relationship. She’s not foolish enough to think that it’s real between them and she doesn’t believe that James loves her, even though she struggles to deal with the fact that she may actually love him. She believes that he feels possessive over her, which she absolutely despises, but allows because she needs to follow her plan. 

It had been a bit of a cat and mouse type of chase. It had been clear that he wanted to sleep with her that night, but she refused, instead, hinting that there would be more to come if he wanted. And of course, he had wanted it. He loves the thrill, the chase. He’s horrible like that.

Natasha thinks that she’s perfected the act of being beautiful eye candy for James and that’s why he keeps her around. He seemingly holds some level of trust with her because it’s pretty obvious that he isn’t just an ordinary thirty-year-old man. He doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s into shady business, but he never clarifies his work to her and Natasha isn’t sure when he ever will. 

That’s how their relationship works now, but Natasha doesn’t want to be silent any longer.

“I can take care of myself, James,” Natasha says. “If you would just tell me—”

“I won’t get you involved in this.” He shakes his head.

It makes Natasha wonder whether he won’t allow her to get involved because he actually cares for her safety or because he considers her a threat.

“I’m not weak,” Natasha says, “You know I’m not weak.”

“Of course I know that,” James says, “It’s one of the things I like the most about you.” He has never told her that he loves her.

“Then, why won’t you trust me enough? You know that I’m loyal to you.” She holds her chin up high.

James cocks his head. “What are you really trying to say?”

Natasha frowns. “What?”

“ _No_. Don’t pretend you’re confused. I know you’re not stupid, Natasha.” James narrows his eyes at her. “So, why don’t you tell me what this is _really_ about?” He looks at her, challengingly, as if daring her to lash out at him.

He ambles towards her. “ _Communication_. Tell me.” It almost sounds like an order.

Natasha takes a deep breath. “I know.”

James raises a brow. “What do you mean, my dear?”

“I know you killed him.”

Natasha hadn’t been sure how James would react to that, but she can say that she definitely hadn’t expected the smile that appears on his handsome face.

He inches towards her. “And what are you going to do about it?”

That’s when she realizes that he has already known.

* * *

James disappears that evening and the house staff informs her that he will return in the morning. He has business to deal with as usual. Natasha decides that she’s still young at age twenty-six and deserves a night to go crazy by herself.

Natasha doesn’t really have friends. Not anymore. She had friends back home in Russia, back in California, and back in Massachusetts, but not in New York. She supposes that some of the people James spends his time with could be considered an acquaintance to her, but she doesn’t know if she can really consider any of them a friend.

Sam Wilson is nice, but he seems to have absolutely no interest whatsoever in acknowledging her existence. There’s Yelena Belova and Alexei Shostakov, who both hail from Russia but are both cold and unapproachable. There are a few others that Natasha would never consider a friend, but the closest one is probably Wanda Maximoff. 

She doesn’t really speak to anyone, but she’s conversed with Wanda during a few occasions and she seems to be decently approachable. When Natasha had first met her, she had thought that she was reserved and quiet, but she had been proven wrong after witnessing her screaming at James about a man named Pietro. She had later learned that Pietro was her murdered twin brother.

While Natasha’s been around during the past nine months, she’s barely heard a thing about Clint. It seems that all former members, whether alive or dead, are just forgotten and that annoys her.

But she shelves those thoughts for the night as she coats her plump lips with dark red lipstick. She knows James probably would rather that she didn’t leave the mansion alone, but she ignores that.

She doesn’t spend as much time in Manhattan as she would like since James has based his business operations in Long Island. Even though he goes off to the city all the time, she doesn’t always follow him.

So her eyes immediately widen in awe as she looks out the window of her cab. She’s headed to the Upper West Side to dance the night away at a club and clear her mind.

The club smells like cheap perfume and the lights are dimmed, neon colors flashing from the signs on the wall. 

“A screwdriver,” Natasha instructs the bartender. 

As a Russian, she’s been raised to find it shameful to need a mixer or a chaser with vodka, but she’s all for fun tonight and she drinks her orange juice/vodka cocktail with a smile. 

And she dances and drinks for hours and hours. Song after song.

Natasha makes it clear that she’s not interested in the men asking her to dance and simply dances by herself, living in the moment.

But she can feel someone’s eyes on her and when her drink is empty, she walks over to the corner of the room and leans against the wall.

“You like watching me dance, huh?” She turns to face him.

He’s extremely handsome. Blonde hair and oceanic blue eyes. He smirks. “How could I not? Buy you a drink?”

Natasha inches closer to him. “You sure about that?”

He shrugs. “Why not?” He’s overly confident in a way that reminds her of James when they first met.

“I don’t even know your name,” Natasha says.

“That shouldn’t matter.” He looks her up and down. “You seem like a cape codder type of person.”

Natasha raises a brow. “ _That’s_ what you call it? A vodka cran?”

He chuckles and ignores the question. “So, do you want a vodka cran, then?”

Natasha pauses, pursing her lips together before shrugging. “Sure.” She’s not exactly in the right state of mind and it’s not like she’s in a good mood while sober. 

He hands her a glass and she takes a sip of it. 

“So, why are you dancing all alone?” He asks, taking a sip from his own glass. “We’re in New York City. There are people everywhere.”

Natasha chuckles. “I don’t dance with just anyone.” She stands by that, despite the fact that she doesn’t really know for sure if James is as faithful to her as she is to him. She doesn’t think he’s unfaithful. She trusts him enough to believe that.

Even though she knows that their relationship isn’t an ordinary one, she still believes that James is loyal to her, even if he doesn’t truly love her. Regardless, Natasha wouldn’t cheat. She could never do that to him.

“That’s unfortunate,” Steve says, “But why not? You can’t dodge the question like that.”

“I can’t? Says who?” Natasha laughs, downing the last of her vodka cran.

“It’d be improper,” he responds with a chortle. He comes closer to her so that he’s pressed up beside her.

Natasha laughs again. “I wouldn’t consider myself to be a proper person, so I think I’ll survive.” 

He seems like a decently nice guy, but she has no interest in getting involved with anybody. She already has enough on her plate as it is. She has James.

“You’re pretty difficult, aren’t you?” She can feel his hot breath on her neck.

“I would say that about you,” Natasha retorts.

He looks amused. “You don’t even know me.”

“And you don’t know me,” Natasha says. “Maybe we should keep it that way.”

His eyes slightly squint. “Why would we want to do that?” He touches her shoulder, his fingers feeling like sparks against her skin. “We could have a lot of fun together. You and me.”

Natasha chuckles. “All speculation.” She leans against the wall, looking out at the masses of people. “You wouldn’t want me.”

“I don’t think that’s your decision,” Steve says, leaning over her body so that their lips are only a couple of centimeters apart. “It’s only for the night anyway, so what’s the deal.”

“Tell me your name,” Natasha says, looking into his blue eyes.

“Steve,” he responds with a cheeky grin.

Natasha cocks her head. “Nice to meet you, Steve.” She reaches up to plant a kiss on his cheek, dangerously close to the end of his lips. “Hope you find what you want because it won’t be me.” She has other things to handle. She needs to stop hiding and stand up.

She leaves before Steve can respond.

* * *

Steve watches her head toward the exit and smirks, taking one last sip of his drink. He turns to head back towards the bar when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns around to see Thor Odinson standing in front of him. 

“Don’t ever talk to her again.” Thor narrows his eyes at him.

Steve has a smile on his face that is so broad that it can be mistaken for a sneer, but that demand turns it into a real one.

“Excuse me?” He looks over his shoulder to take one last look at her.

“You can’t touch her. She’s off-limits,” Thor responds.

“You know her?” Steve frowns. 

He’s known Thor for seven years, the entire length of time of his operation. He had been one of the first people he recruited to his cause after Bucky went underground. If Thor knew the woman, Steve would only guess they had history prior to meeting him.

“She’s one of _them_.”

That’s the last thing Steve would’ve expected him to say. His forehead wrinkles as the words sink in. “What? How do you know that?”

“I’ve seen her with them,” Thor answers, “And when our men ran into him and his men earlier today, they mentioned her.”

Steve frowns. “She didn’t seem like one of them.” He’s met the women in Bucky’s organization. They’re just as cruel and cunning as him. 

Thor nods. “I know. She’s not technically one of their members.”

“Then, what is she?”

“She’s Bucky’s girlfriend,” Thor responds, after hesitating for a second. “I don’t know how long they’ve been together, but I know it hasn’t been more than a year. Regardless, she’s _his_.”

Steve is silent for a moment, allowing himself to properly comprehend this information.

Thor just stands there before sighing. He motions for him to follow. “Come on. Let’s go someplace quieter.” He leads them to the rooftop of the building.

“Why is she off-limits? That doesn’t make any sense,” Steve says, “She’s another target.”

“She’s innocent,” Thor says. “She’s affiliated with them, but like I said, she’s not truly one of them.”

“And again, how do you know this?” Steve narrows his eyes at him.

“Intel sweeps.” Thor ambles towards the edge, looking out at the beautiful Manhattan skyline. “I’ve done my research and from that I know that she’s not a threat. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

“Does he love her? He doesn’t strike me as the type of person to feel that way about a person. Not anymore. Not the person he’s become.” Steve huffs as vivid images of the man he once knew floods his mind.

“If he were to love anyone, it would be her,” Thor responds. “He’s the King of his organization and she’s his Queen.”

“You’re not answering my question. I loved Peggy. I loved Sharon. Does he feel that way towards her?” Steve shakes his head, forcing the images out of his head.

Thor cocks his head. “I’m not sure,” he says, truthfully.

“Does she love him?” Steve knows that if it comes down to it, he could possibly use her for leverage against Bucky.

“I’m not sure,” Thor admits, “but there _is_ something interesting about her.”

“What?”

Thor turns around to face him. “Clint Barton is her stepbrother. She started dating Bucky after his death.”

Steve purses his lips before saying, “Interesting.” He remembers Clint. He remembers hearing about his death and being confused as to why Bucky would kill one of his own men.

He figures that Natasha could be answer to that. It’s diabolical and it’s awful to use a presumably innocent person in such a horrible manner, but Steve knows he’s past the point of no return. He’s done too much to hide away now and Bucky has left him with no choice.

Sometimes, he wonders how life turned out this way. They had been normal kids with a normal upbringing in Brooklyn. They had been through everything together, all the way through college. Steve would never have expected things to change the way they did.

The summer after graduating from New York University together, Bucky had gone to Moscow for his entry-level business job for three weeks. When he returned, he had become a completely different person. Steve still remembers so vividly how much Bucky had changed when he returned. Steve couldn’t connect with Bucky when he came back and before he could’ve done anything, Bucky went back to Russia for a year.

Steve had eventually worked up the courage to seek out his old friend and figure out what happened to him. When he had arrived to Russia, he realized that he had stumbled upon something dangerous. 

He had tried to get Bucky out of the situation he had been in, but everything had backfired. Steve had committed his first crime there when he accidentally shot and killed two of Bucky’s closest companions in Russia. He remembers trying to reason with Bucky, but it had been like his friend had been replaced by a clone.

The men that Bucky was with chased him out of the country and when he returned back to New York, his high school and college sweetheart Peggy Carter was murdered. Nothing had been confirmed, but Steve knew that it had to have been Bucky.

At that point, Steve knew that he and Bucky were never going to go back to the way things used to be and that had set off a chain reaction of a deadly rivalry after Bucky returned to New York. They were just twenty-three years old when that happened. Now, he’s thirty and Steve is nearing thirty and things aren’t any better.

Bucky has built an impressive organized crime empire on Long Island, while Steve has mostly stayed headquartered in Manhattan. Going to Brooklyn has always served as a painful reminder of how much things have changed.

Despite knowing deep down that he couldn’t make amends with Bucky, a few years after everything went to shit, Steve still held a bit of hope that maybe they could work things out after the crossfire between the two died down.

He had been proven wrong when his new girlfriend, Sharon Carter, had been murdered right in front of his eyes. One of Bucky’s associates, a man named Sam, had stabbed her in the heart.

Sharon had been Peggy’s cousin and the idea of dating his murdered girlfriend’s cousin definitely sounded weird, but he had bonded with her and she had been his closest connection. He had finally been able to move on and let go of Peggy after becoming close to Sharon and she had been the one who had inspired him to step up and stop Bucky. After Sharon was also murdered, all hope had been lost for Steve and he now knows for certain that there is nothing he can do. It eats at him to settle for a life this low, especially since he knows that calling the police is the rightful thing to do. 

However, Steve just has the feeling that Bucky is unstoppable and he’s the best option that there is. He hates having to resort to a life of crime and deception, but he’s too deep into this to go about it another way. He wishes that he wasn’t a quitter and he wishes that he didn’t give up on Bucky, but things had become too much for him. Still, he doesn’t enjoy the killing and the kidnappings and everything that happens within his organized crime association.

But there’s no other way.

So, he’ll be damned if he let this opportunity go. Bucky has a girlfriend and Steve knows he can use this to his advantage.

“So, if they don’t love each other, that’s why she sticks around? Because of Clint Barton?”

“Maybe,” Thor says, “but she also has nowhere else to go.” He shrugs. “I don’t think anyone outside of that group knows the true nature of their relationship.”

He gives him a stern look. “I’m not saying that we’re that much better than them… but she is _innocent_. I know you struggle to accept the truth, but if you need a reason to believe you’re still good, then keep that in mind.”

Thor doesn’t need to dance around what he’s trying to say. Steve understands him loud and clear.

“What’s her name?” Steve asks, taking a deep breath. “She never told me.”

“Natasha,” Thor responds, “Natasha Romanoff.”

* * *

Natasha is wrong. James knows what she thinks and he knows that she’s wrong. He loves her. He truly _does_ love her. He hasn’t been able to feel the feeling of love in years, but he still remembers what it’s like and it came back when she became apart of his life.

James finds that Natasha is the only person in the world that can truly keep up with him. He knows that she isn’t just a pretty face and he likes that about her. He’s glad that she’s not weak or else he would’ve gotten rid of her a long time ago.

He appreciates the challenge that she poses to him. She is the only person he has ever encountered that has been able to almost outsmart him. He likes that she’s skilled enough to be equivocal in the way she presented herself. It makes him proud that she is his.

James likes that she presents herself as a strong, cold person whenever they’re at the parties, but he also likes how she becomes softer and more submissive when they’re alone. She’s extraordinary and unlike any other woman he’s ever been involved with. 

He finds himself to be addicted to her. She’s a bombshell of a woman and even though she could never overpower him, he rather likes how fierce and determined she can be. It’s much more entertaining for him that way.

That’s why he loves her. He hasn’t loved anyone for years. The last person he ever loved had been his former best friend who is nothing to him now, other than a target to destroy. He doesn’t like to think about that, though.

James’s thoughts return to Natasha. She’s almost the perfect woman. The only issue that James can find is that she’s still too morally good. It annoys him, but he supposes that no one can be perfect. He’s just counting on that personality trait to diminish eventually.

He knows she loves him or at least is under the impression that she may actually love him. He knows that she struggles with it internally. But James is aware of the truth. Natasha _does_ love him. She just doesn’t know how to handle those feelings and he understands that. He just trusts that it’ll take time and for her, he’s willing to wait. 

There’s so much about her that he finds himself addicted to and despite his better judgment, he finds himself becoming more comfortable with her softness. He knows that it needs to go away, but he still likes it. James hates to admit it, but sometimes, being with her makes him feel good again.

It takes him back to the person he had been before everything that had happened in Russia. He tries to shake that feeling off and he remains calm as Natasha starts to chastise him.

This is who he is and he has to live with the choices that he’s made and the person that he has become. He won’t let that change. This is his identity. 

“So, you’ve known that I’ve known about Clint this _whole_ time…” Natasha exclaims, anger radiating from her. “Why are you like this?”

He quite likes her like this. He likes to see her lose control. It makes their relationship more passionate.

“I just don’t understand,” Natasha continues, “Why would you even start a relationship with me? You know I’m fucking pissed off at you for killing him and I’m pretty damn sure it wouldn’t surprise you to know that a part of me wants to shove a stick up your ass for doing that. Why the hell would you… How long have you known? You have a plan, don’t you? Were you ever going to tell me?”

She pauses and takes a deep breath. In a calmer and quieter voice, she asks, “ _Why_ did you let this happen?” 

She’s understandably angry but James is most impressed with the fact that she isn’t crying yet. She sounds like she’s on the verge of tears, but her eyes flash nothing but pure anger.

“Do you honestly think that this is a _game?_ ” James asks her, circling around the anxious redhead.

“It’s always a game when it comes to you,” Natasha spats.

James resists the urge to chuckle. “But not when it comes to _you_.” He’s being honest with her. 

Natasha narrows her eyes at her. “You need to tell me the truth. _All_ of it.”

James wonders if Natasha thinks it’s really that simple. He can’t just stand there and pour his heart out in a little heart-to-heart, but by the pained expression on her face, he knows that she also knows that.

He crosses his arms. “If this is an overreaction to you realizing that you’re in love with me—”

Natasha turns around, refusing to face him. “Why would you do this to me?” She doesn’t deny what he just said.

“Who do you think I am, love?” James stops pacing.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” Natasha responds. She shakes her head. “But that’s not what we’re talking about. You need to tell me everything there is to say about me and about Clint.”

“I murdered Clint because he was going to betray me,” James says, daring to sound bored. “I don’t know what you expect me to say. It’s not some scandalous story. He was going to defect and I couldn’t allow that to happen.”

Natasha immediately turns around. “So, you decide that the best course of action to follow is slitting his throat.” She points a finger accusingly at him. “Do you really have to taint _everything_ you touch?”

James cocks his head. “And what do you mean by that?” 

This is the first time Natasha has ever truly let loose this much and James is enjoying every second of it. He’s a deep believer in the concept that passion makes people stronger.

Natasha takes a deep breath. “Let’s not dance around the truth. You and I both know that everything you do for your ‘work’ is illegal. You’ve done too many things that should have thrown your ass into jail, but here we are. You’re dangerous. We’ve established that.”

She pauses and continues, “Given who _you_ are and who _I_ am, why did you get into this relationship with me? Yeah, I was and I still am fucking pissed off you killed him, but realistically speaking, I probably don’t really pose a threat to you at all.”

She groans, throwing her hands up in the air in annoyance. “I’ve been loyal to you for nine months. I changed my whole life for you. I’ve put you first. I’ve risked so much for you and I… You let me fall in love with you even though you knew it would be dangerous. Even though you knew it would kill me slowly.”

“I’m not sorry that I killed him,” James says. He’s not going to pretend with her. 

Natasha glares at him. “You are _such_ a—”

“But I _am_ sorry that it hurt you,” James finishes, reaching out to cup her face with his hands. “Why don’t you relax?” He can see in her eyes that she’s growing frustrated with his relaxed demeanor.

She opens her mouth to respond and he continues, “My organization is comprised of the best out of the best. Passion makes us powerful and you… well, look at you. You have the potential.”

“Are you really trying to say that you’re only with me to recruit me?” Natasha backs away with a scoff.

“You have so much potential. I know that you’re strong, intelligent, determined, confident, among many other things,” James says, “That’s why, despite your stepbrother, I decided I wanted you. The most passionate are the most powerful.”

Natasha takes a deep breath. “You think I’m powerful?”

“Sweetheart,” James murmurs, tucking locks of her hair behind her ear. “Why else do you think I want you?”

“It’s twisted.” Natasha shakes her head. “I can’t believe I got myself into this situation.”

“I’m all you have,” James says, “so don’t be afraid to love me, because I _do_ love you.”

Natasha doesn’t know how to react to that and before she can even try to do so, James kisses her and as always, makes her forget. It makes him forget too.

* * *

Seven months pass and Natasha finds that she’s more content with the autumn season than any other time of the year. It’s always been her favorite season since she was young and that hasn’t changed. 

She’s curled up on the loveseat, wrapped in a blanket and reading the end of the latest novel that has captured her attention, _Under the Skin_.

James is in Miami, busying himself by meeting with former associates. He had planned on bringing Natasha with him, but illness had forced her to stay behind. It’s been five days since James left and with that amount of time to recover, Natasha’s glad that she’s not sick anymore.

Still, it’s November and the temperatures are dropping day by day, so she decides to stay bundled up inside the mansion. She’s been appreciating alone time more than ever in recent months after blowing up on James back during the Spring.

It’s been a weird limbo of time since then. She honestly had expected things to fall apart between her and James. She had actually been afraid that he would turn on her, but to her surprise, it feels like barely anything has changed.

It’s as if nothing happened between them and she doesn’t know why it’s like that. Knowing who James is, she would’ve expected him to treat her differently.

The only time he ever truly shows his dark, scary side is when he’s deeply busy with his line of work. He has a revolving number of enemies and Natasha knows that. If there’s any change to his behavior, it’s only through that. Natasha supposes that he’s been a bit more riled up because of that lately, but he doesn’t tell her much.

Of course, there are moments when he has this look on his face or he just says something in a way that keeps her on the edge of the seat. Every now and then, she feels that his words and actions are subtle warnings of what can come if she acts out of line.

It unsettles her to feel this way. She knows that she isn’t like this. She knows she’s stronger than this. Hell, even James, himself, had said that. For some reason, Natasha just can’t deal with that.

Natasha doesn’t think that she’s necessarily afraid of James. When she had found out who killed Clint, she had literally googled “James Barnes” and found absolutely nothing about him. Because of that, she pretty much had went in blind when she started her relationship with him.

She’s a risk taker and this is probably the biggest risk she’s ever taken. He could’ve killed her right after figuring out who she was, but he didn’t. He still hasn’t and despite the fact that James told her he loves her, she still doesn’t think she should feel completely comfortable with all of this.

To simply put it, Natasha doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s like she’s hit the pause button on her plans and she’s wasted the past seven months doing nothing. James probably has noticed this, given that he hasn’t changed the way he acts around her. 

This surprises her because based on what he had said to her about being passionate, she had been under the impression that he would officially be recruiting her for his cause, but he hasn’t asked for anything more than her being there for him at the parties. She supposes that this will change eventually someday. It kinda bores her.

She’s kind of caught in a weird warp where she’s just living life with too much uncertainty and it doesn’t help that she’s not doing anything. James still takes her to parties where she watches the lifestyles of criminals unfold. She still spends time with Wanda or Yelena whenever she has to. Still, she’s not in the right state of mind and it baffles her that she’s allowing this to happen.

So, Natasha knows that she can’t just sit around and bore herself to death. She places the novel on the bedside table and gets off of it, pausing to stretch her muscles. She’s in the mood to dance the night away and makes the decision right then to go to a club in Manhattan.

The housing staff don’t bother asking her where she’s going or what she’s doing and Natasha doesn’t really think about anything at all as she gives it her all in the club.

The flashing lights, the blaring music, the burning drinks… they’re all just flashes in her head as she throws her arms up in the air, feeling normal for the first time in over a year. She supposes that she’ll finally get her head out of her ass if she just allows herself to let loose.

She’s been dancing for probably an hour and has had probably a dozen shots when she wanders off to a quieter corner of the club. She takes a minute to catch her breath and decide what drink she wants next, but is interrupted when someone murmurs into her ear, “You again?”

Natasha looks over her shoulder and meets the glance of a blond man with blue eyes. She raises a brow. “Do I know you?”

“I hoped you’d remember, but it’s understandable that you didn’t. It’s been seven months, after all,” he says. “I’m Steve. We met at this club.”

Natasha cocks her head, looking him up and down. “Did you try to seduce me?”

Steve snorts in amusement. “Of course.”

“That must be why I don’t remember,” Natasha says, “Many men try to.” It’s not really the truth, but it’s not necessarily a lie either. No one would dare flirt with her in front of James, but she knows many men desire her.

“ _Unfortunate_ ,” he drawls, “but I suppose that means that there’s a chance to start over.”

“Who said I’m down for that?” Natasha raises a brow.

“You look like someone in need of a good time,” Steve says with a shrug.

“And you think you’re the one for it?” Maybe she’s flirting, but the alcohol is getting to her at this point. She can still think, but she’s more open to speak up. “Don’t you have your own friends to be with?”

“ _Nah_.” He shakes his head. “Most of my guys are down in Florida. I couldn’t make the trip.”

“Oh.” Natasha isn’t really one for small talk. “Why not? Florida's pretty cool place to party and especially given the temperatures, it sounds better than Manhattan.”

Steve chuckles. “Work. I would be there but… I had other ideas.”

Natasha leans against the wall. “Partying in cold Manhattan and flirting with some random woman you don’t know?”

Steve shrugs. “I needed an escape from work and life and all of that. Things have been getting tough during the past seven months and this is the first time I’ve really let myself forget it all for now.”

“You and me both, but I’m not here to reflect,” Natasha says, “so if you excuse me…” 

She moves to leave, but Steve speaks up, “How about I buy you a drink and we go talk somewhere a bit quieter?”

She frowns. “I’m not interested.” 

Steve shakes his head. “I’m not asking you to sleep with me because it’s clear that you don’t want to. I respect that. I’m just asking if you want someone to talk to. It’s a coincidence that we ran into each other after seven months, but I doubt a coincidence would happen twice, so why don’t we just talk? We’re never going to see each other again and we have nothing to lose by just talking to each other.”

Her brows furrow. “How do I know you’re not some serial killer who’s gonna chop me to pieces?”

Steve chuckles. “Because I’m _not_ a serial killer who chops people into pieces. We can talk at the bar next door where there’s plenty of people around.”

It’s not like James would even know. He has too much to deal with it in Miami and besides, it’s just a friendly drink with a guy who’s dealing with the same shit that she is. He seems like a talker and Natasha can deal with that, so she decides that she’s down for that.

If he starts getting rough, Natasha knows a thing or two or well, a lot, about self-defense so she’s not afraid of that. She’s not afraid of him. She just doesn’t want to do something that she shouldn’t.

“Alright,” Natasha says, “Lead the way.”

* * *

“ _So_ , why are you dancing alone?” Steve asks, handing her a Red Snapper. “You’re extremely beautiful and it baffles me that no one would be with you.”

“Well, aren’t you sweet? Are you sure you’re still not trying to seduce me?” Natasha takes a sip.

Steve takes a sip of his Bourbon on the Rocks. “Just stating the facts. Don’t dodge the question, though.”

Natasha asks, “Why do you wanna know?” It's not like she would ever spill her guts about being trapped in a mob.

"Small talk," Steve responds, "and like I said, we'll never see each other again, so there's no harm in talking your problems out now."

Natasha purses her lips. "You think that's how it is?"

"How could it not be? Pain is universal. Suffering is universal. Everyone goes through their own shit. Everyone has their problems, whether on a large scale or small scale," Steve responds, "So what is it with you?"

She just looks at him and says nothing.

"Tell you what," Steve says, "You ask me any question you want and I'll answer truthfully with depth. You answer that question in response."

"You care _that_ much?"

Steve shrugs. "We'll never see each other again." He smiles. "It's really no harm." There’s just something about him that seems so charming. 

Natasha chuckles, pausing to take a long sip of her drink. "Fine. I'll humor you." She turns to face him. "Boy problems. It may sound fake, but it really is shit I have to deal with right now. I don't want to think about it and after shoving all my thoughts to the back of my head for months, I decided to finally let loose. That's all."

"And what did that guy ever do to you?" Steve raises a brow. "Sounds serious."

"Question for a question. No plurals," Natasha says.

" _Depth_." He gives her a knowing look.

Natasha resists the urge to roll her eyes. 

Steve's facial expression doesn't change.

"Are you serious?" Natasha chuckles. She's surprised he cares so much, but he looks genuinely interested.

"Of course."

Natasha takes a deep breath. "I know I love him. I was afraid to love him and I went into the relationship knowing that I would be afraid. He and I are really different, so I knew it was going to be hard to make it work. It's not... it's not as hard as I thought, to be honest, but it's still hard. We still clash, but I love him. I've finally realized it, but... I don't know. It's hard. It's _all_ hard. I have reasons to be so pissed off at him, but I _still_ love him. I don't know."

It's weird to just confess it to a stranger, but she knows he's right about holding it in. She's been holding it in for seven months, maybe even another year on top of that. All she knows is that the alcohol is getting to her and she's not trying to hold it in any longer.

She continues, "He's so difficult. He's good to me, but I don't like the people he surrounds himself with. He's done things that I think are fucked up and it makes me rethink it all, but I've come to realize that I still care about him so much. I know I should really step back and reevaluate everything, but I can't. The whole situation, the whole relationship... it's just _so_ much. There's so much weight with it."

Steve nods. "Relationships require a lot of effort. I get it." He leans forward. "Well, this is what I have to say about that. If you both love each other, then, obviously, it's worth fighting for. It's worth trying to get through the highs and lows together. He's not perfect, from what you've said, but he also sounds like a good boyfriend. Try to communicate more, but also allow yourself to think. _Really_ think. Don't let any thought become forgotten. Don't let any word become unsaid."

Natasha tilts her head. "Are you some kind of relationship expert?"

"I don't know if I can say that," Steve says, "I've had two long-term, serious relationships during the past ten years, but they both kind of failed."

"Why?" Natasha asks. "That's my question. Why did they fail?" She knows she could ask a better question, but she's curious.

"Communication was definitely one of the issues," Steve responds, "especially with Peggy, the first one. I should have talked to her more. I should have opened up more. Maybe if I had, she would still be... still be apart of my life. As for the second one, Sharon, I should've acted better. I look back with regret because I know I could've been better. I wasn't careful with the relationship and I lost her."

"I'm sorry," Natasha says. "Do you think you could ever rekindle with either of them?"

Steve looks away and shakes his head. "It'll never happen."

" _Oh_ , you don't know that," Natasha insists, "I'm sure you could figure something out. You seem like quite the sweet talker."

"It's not that simple," Steve says, "They're long gone." He glances at her. "I've moved on, anyways. I have other things to worry about."

Natasha sips her drink. "I'm sorry," she says again.

Steve waves his hand dismissively. "Don't be. Things happen and you just have to deal with it. In friendships and relationships."

"So, we're both a mess," Natasha says with a chuckle, "dealing with shitty relationship issues."

"I suppose we are," Steve responds.

"I know we said a question for a question, but I gotta ask," Natasha says, "and given the fact you were hovering all over me, you should give this to me for free. Why me? Why would you want to have a heart-to-heart with me? You don't even know me." She points a finger at him. "And don't say it's because we ran into each other by coincidence. Red may not be a common color, but it's easy to mistake people."

Steve chuckles. "You seemed like someone interesting."

"Meaning?"

"Fiery and passionate," Steve responds, "You're not afraid to speak up. I like that." The words sound so familiar to her. Something about him seems so familiar.

He smiles at her and Natasha can't help but smile back at him. Even though this is literally the second time she's ever spoken to Steve, Natasha already finds herself to be comfortable to some degree with him. Comfortable enough that when he dares to lean in and kiss her, she lets him. She's drunk and she's sad and she's so confused, feeling so lost, that all sense of reason disappears from her brain. She already likes Steve and she likes him enough that she goes home with him.

There's usually a voice of reason in the back of her head that tells her what she should and shouldn't do, but she can't hear it. It's like it's flipped a switch on her and she forgets about James. She always forgets when James kisses her with passion, but she's also forgetting with Steve kissing her with even more fiery passion. She's let herself so loose that she can't even envision him in her head.

She doesn't think. She doesn't feel guilt. She just feels him as she falls into his bed.

Steve kisses up her thighs and tugs his finger under the waistband of her panties. “You sure about this, Natasha?”

Natasha hesitates for a quick second, but her mind is made. “ _Yes_ ,” she murmurs. She doesn't even catch onto the fact that he knows her name when she never told him what it was. She's so lost in him.

Steve is quick to act on and they have sex all night. Natasha revels in the pleasure, losing herself in it. She lets herself be worshipped like this and she completely forgets about James for the night.

And this is the choice that she makes for herself and is the choice that she’ll have to live with when the night is over.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you guys liked it! 
> 
> more to come, of course! please keep in mind that the characterization is not permanent and there's a lot more to happen. all the unanswered questions will be addressed during the next two chapters and all the issues will be resolved so that the whole plotline becomes more clear.
> 
> i know it might've been a little difficult to understand the stevebucky and buckynat background info, but i promise all will be clarified! the characterization, background events, etc. will all become clearer. also, expect waaaaaaay more action in the next chapters! dark!bucky and dark!steve are gonna show up and you'll also see more of the background characters.
> 
> this chapter serves as more of a prologue and it may become a four-part story. i don't know yet. but definitely just expect things to escalate in the next chapters.
> 
> i'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and i appreciate all kudos! thank you so much for reading!
> 
> twitter: sharonwidows  
> xx


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